Get Rid of These and Let You Shine

I can’t help myself writing some girly stuff again on this blog. I suppose I’m on the right track to become a specialist in pajama-party topics (amen to that ). I just want to share my experience of getting to know a young woman who is irresistibly pretty and successful in her career, but feeling so unlucky in her relationships. She has been complaining why she hasn’t got the man in her life.

Sigh… I’m not gossiping or judging anyone this time, but if you happen to have the same experience as the thing that I’m going to write here, hopefully this is going to be one of the ways to reflect yourself. I’m not trying to say that I’m perfect or that I’m successful in my relationships (he-lllooooo… Look who’s talking?) Yet, I noticed that it is her own mind that might hamper her in getting what she wants. Get rid of these thoughts and attitudes, be reborn into the new you. I bet men will come to your door, yearning your love and affection (boastful .. haha!)

The thought that only certain kind of men desires you
It reminds me of “The Secret”, a book which says that we always get what we have in mind. I know some women who always end up becoming a mistress or second or third wife of some polygamous men. Besides economic factors, I found out that they always think no single men favor them. Trust me gals, this thought will only limit you to meet the men who might be potential to become your spouse. It is very important to build social networks and to make friends with as many people as you can. Of course everybody has her ideal partner, but natural selections of people who finally get into your social circle will take place. Just don’t curb yourself, always think that you are desired by all men, at all ages, from all races, of all social and economic status.

Comparing yourself with others and thinking that you are not as lucky as they are
It just makes you feel negative, incomplete and unhappy, and unfortunately, people notice that. Be thankful for what you have in you. How can someone feel comfortable being with you if you are not comfortable with yourself? How can someone like you if you don’t like yourself? How can people have a positive feeling for you if you are always negative about you?

Dying to become “all that”
Ok, some women are very lucky to become “perfect”, and it really feels good to have a good appearance. However, please bear in mind that most men are neither supermodels nor rock stars and they don’t need a Playboy’s Miss February or an Oscar winner to make them happy. Gals, they don’t want to be with someone perfect, they want to be with someone interesting. So, stop ordering low-calorie menu leaving it uneaten. It’s not sexy at all! Be yourself, show them the imperfect you, the multi-dimensional you, the fun and interesting you.

Mismanaging your own life
Men are not stupid. As he gets close to you, no matter how rich he is, he will asses how well you manage yourself and your resources. He observes how you spend money, how well you use and keep the electronic gadgets you have, whether or not you pay bills on time, or if you often borrow money from your friends. They want to know if you are a type of woman who can help them have a peaceful life in retirement or if you are a type of woman who will make them bankrupt.

At the end, I just want to emphasize that my opinions here may not be the best opinion ever, but hopefully it will help those who have similar problem to my friend’s. I was once in her shoes and I tried those tips. Although I stay being with nobody now, I feel happier and more complete. Let me share few lines from a poem by Dewi Lestari in her book Supernova, that I roughly translate:

I want to love nobody
I just want to love me
Me who is loving

Inspiring Book

Why Men Marry Bitches is the title of a book written by Sherry Argov. When I first saw it at the bookstore I was not interested. I thought it was a book full of nonsense. A few days before, I had got dumped by my boyfriend. Feeling sentimental, I had a look on the cover and the synopsis at the back then I decided to buy it. Since the book was translated into Indonesian, I sometimes got “lost” when reading it, got stuck to think of what the words were said in its original language. The book was fun, using the simple language, and easy to understand. I felt the great effect coming after I read the book for the second time. After reading, I tried to review all my relationships I had ever had in my life and why I had failed.

First, I had been too nice. Since I always thought that not many guys would love me, I loved my partner too much and gave him anything he wanted. I gave him time, love, energy, attention, fidelity and even money. I was preoccupied by the idea of pleasing him and giving him the best I had. Instead of making him love me more, I made my partner feel so secured and comfortable that he thought he didn’t have to work hard to retain the relationship.

Second, I always wanted to be perfect. I had thought that to be loved, I had to be the best in everything. I always wanted to give the best to the people I loved. I wanted to make everyone that I loved happy to the fullest. I learned everything in order to make my partner happy: from homemaking to technology, from politics to exotic techniques in sex, from active sports to relaxing spa treatments. Consequently, I expected my partner to do the same in return. The idea of becoming perfect for me really freaked him out. It also explained why my partner always turned to someone else who, compared to me, was ‘nothing”.

Third, busy to make my partner happy, I forgot about myself. I lost a lot of “me” time. I started to become distant with my own friends. In short, I didn’t realize that I was losing myself. I sacrificed my own happiness for the sake of my relationship. I wasn’t aware that by doing so, I started to destroy my relationship and even worse, I started to destroy myself. I destructed my self esteem, losing his respect.

Finally, I didn’t develop a “healthy” relationship. As my relationship became more serious, I started to lose the funny and witty me, the warm me, the interesting and sexy me. I turned to be someone who was demanding, perfectionist, boring and insecure. I was losing my personality; I changed into someone else, a perfect stranger to my partner.

I understand that I can’t blame all the failure in relationship on myself. I believe, of course, that I haven’t met the right person for me with whom I would feel comfortable. He would be the person who always wants me the way I am, the imperfect me.